The statement seems obvious. Of course, having a stroke changes a person. After all, your brain is damaged and parts are likely dead (I think). But I have talked to other survivors, and have gained insight into their lives after a stroke.
It’s not an easy road. It’s not a walk in the park. And as I have alluded in previous posts, I went through Hell. We (stroke survivors) think about when we will have another stroke. We think about death as if it is a more real possibility.
Sometimes, we feel tempted by death. I will admit. I have thought about suicide as a legitimate option. But at the end we choose life because for a second/minute/hour/day, we felt death. And from it, we strive for things we never thought we could do whether superficial or not.
Physical. I feel like an unicorn with my purple
I’m…pwetty?
and grey hair. And I couldn’t stop giggling or looking at myself in a way that I have never done. Seriously. I avoided mirrors like the plague because I didn’t think that I was “attractive” and I would only notice the flaws. Every time someone would comment on how “pretty” I was, I dismissed it as if they were saying it to make me feel better or if they wanted something from me. Of course, those comments were genuine. I just have no self-esteem to take a compliment.
Can I take a compliment now? Maybe.
But the greater message is that I appreciate and love my body. It is not a machine. The parts cannot be replaced. The damage in my brain and my heart are things that I will live with forever. So, I should treat myself. New clothes. New bras. New hair. It is a literal reminder that there is a different path in front of me.
Personality. Here is a clear example on how my stroke has changed my personality in oddly good
I’m…pwetty?
ways. My sister thought it was a great idea to wake me up in the middle of the night, and stick her smelly fingers in my face. Usually, I would be extremely irritated and drag an unnecessary fight to claim that I won. But I didn’t feel the anger bubbling inside, and I didn’t want to pursue the issue. Though I did leave my air-conditioned room just to tell her that it was immature, and it is worse that she did it when I was trying to sleep. But then, we giggled.
Yup instead of being the stubborn and sensitive person that I am/was, I lightened up. I accepted that she did that and nothing will change that fact. Even punching or yelling at her. And that applies to everything in life. I have to accept the cards that I am dealt, and make the best of them. And being stubborn is not going to give magical powers to change that. I can, however, change how I choose to live my life now, and the not-so-distant future.
Because there is too uncertainty in my life to think too far, and just thinking briefly about it gives me a headache. Actually, it’s just the heat and the dehydration.
After all of this, it doesn’t mean that I have abandoned all my aspirations. No, instead I have a different way of approaching it. A way that is, overall, better for my health and my sanity. I still want to a teacher. Perhaps, not an ELL teacher since most of the foreign languages I know are partially deleted from my brain. But I started to think about Special Education. Or, I am just hoping I can get a license.
And I do want to go abroad again. Will it be South Korea? Not likely. I’ve been there twice, and there are so many countries to visit. But I still have the travel bug, and I express in just making the choice to go out everyday and exploring the city that people would wish to lived in.
I suppose I am going through a period called, “Uneasy Acceptance.” That, things will be different. And it’s whether or not I choose to accept that will make the difference.